Changing Skies

A year ago today, we sold the first home we ever owned and began to take steps to implement some huge changes in our lives. It’s been a good year, but a difficult one in several ways. When my life is full of turmoil, I tend to wall myself inside and not talk about the hard places. But I’m starting to realize that I need to be more open, more vulnerable. To that end, I’m sharing something I wrote last May as we were in the midst of all manner of change.

May 25, 2016 1:13 a.m.

Leaving is hard. It doesn’t seem to matter what I leave, I struggle. Places, people, things, homes, churches.

I’m a fan of old and familiar, even when new and exciting is clearly better.

The year my family moved from Michigan to South Dakota I was 11, and I thought the sky was falling.  My world imploded as I said good bye to extended family, friends I’d gone to school with my whole life, my first boy-crush, and my beloved trees and Great Lakes. The windswept prairies were barren consolation for my angst ridden soul. It took a solid year for me to forgive my stretch of the Missouri River valley for its lack of trees and ferns, and considerably longer to reconcile my introverted self to an entirely new culture.

New relationships are often difficult for me, and those awkward adolescent years nearly crushed me with their heavy drama. (But then, who wasn’t crushed by adolescent drama?)

10 years later, I found myself arriving in south Florida for freshmen orientation almost by accident. I knew virtually no one, and again the culture was stunningly different from anything I had ever been around.

That first year was difficult and amazing and exciting, and I discovered an ability to connect with others that I had never known I possessed.

School merged into a paid position at the same school, years passed, and I was again transitioning. With a husband and a little girl, I needed flexibility, and poured myself into entrepreneurship. Building a business and serving clients made me stronger and more resilient, more aware of who I was and what I was capable of accomplishing. This time the transition was full of challenge, but mostly in a good way. I was finding direction and strength in my own abilities and learning and growing daily.

Then came the blitz. I was pregnant again – welcome, happy news, but bearing so many decisions and uncertainty. I was terribly sick, and several strange health issues popped up that had to be dealt with. A sick entrepreneur is unable to work, and as a result, finances were suddenly a major concern. Child care was going to be an issue again, as caring for tiny babies is a great deal different than caring for 4 year old preschoolers.

My sweet husband left a job he enjoyed in order to make enough money to care for his family while I was unable to bring in any income.

I struggled to feel worthwhile, struggled to cope with the changes that were blindsiding me {again}.

And then we made the major decision to move nearer to family for so many little reasons that added up to something big – so our daughters could get to know grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. So we could raise our children in a quieter, more rural setting. And so we could afford to chase the entrepreneurial dreams that we both cherish.

All good reasons, but now the changes were snowballing faster than I could blink.

New baby joining our family, removing my 4 year old from the only environment she’d ever known, necessary business changes, a whole new career direction for Nathan, yet another new home in a new location in Kansas. 15 years of relationships with people and places had to be left behind, ripped from my already raw heart.

And I no longer felt in control. Because the truth is, I never was in control. Someone much greater than I is the Master of my life, and it is my job to trust Him.

So I am doing all that I know to do: I am trusting in my Lord. I am trusting, and trying not to be afraid. Trusting that His way is best, and that He knows that I am but dust. Trusting that when He has tried me, I will come forth as gold. Leaning in to His strength, because I am no longer surrounded by friends who will carry me.

I believe that He loves little children, and the scared heart of my 11 year old self is reminding me that His ways are better than our ways.

Like my dramatic preteen soul, I’m tempted to believe that the sky is falling. But if it is, I will run to tell my King and trust that He will do what is best.

2 Responses to Changing Skies

  1. Larissa April 5, 2017 at 11:18 am #

    Lynn, you have a gift for writing! IYou are a very special friend of mine and I love you girl!!!

    • Lynn April 5, 2017 at 12:48 pm #

      Aw, thanks Larissa! 💚

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